.png)
By Phoebe Rogers. Clinical Psychologist, Couples Therapist, and Women's Dating & Relationship Coach.
Red flags: those sometimes obvious, and more often subtle, insidious cues that a relationship is dynamic or partner is toxic or unsafe. From grand gestures and love-bombing, to jealousy, irritability, moodiness, silent treatment as a form of punishment and self-importance, many of us know the term well.
However, despite this knowledge, many of us are caught off guard by red flags in dating and relationships. We often fail to notice them or take them seriously enough, until we’re in the thick of a relationship.
So, why is it that so many of us seem to easily attract red flag partners in dating?
And why is it that we proceed with the relationship, despite knowing that red flags cause hurt?
There are explanations. Here are 3 key reasons you're attracting red flag partners, with practical tips to break the cycle following.
Reason 1: The relationship red flag is all too familiar
When we’ve grown up experiencing relationships where our emotional needs weren’t met, we are drawn to the same dynamic in adulthood. We are unconsciously drawn to what feels familiar, whether or not it is good for us. A moody partner feels like our moody parent. Our partner who is emotionally dismissive feels like an emotionally invalidating parent. We repeat our patterns outside of our conscious awareness because it is what we know. And a lot of the time no one has ever told us that these patterns are unhealthy and harmful.
It may be that our new partner’s red flags are small compared to what we have experienced in the past. The point is that the current red flag partner creates similar feelings in you to those you experienced earlier in life, in a similar dynamic.
Reason 2: You are looking for the spark (which is a red flag)
Perhaps you want love where you feel that spark for someone; where it feels exciting and passionate. Where there is intense emotional chemistry. Perhaps you believe that’s how love should feel. And I can’t blame you; it’s what we’re shown in the movies.
As above, we are drawn to others who create a familiar feeling in us, and our nervous system is often used to the disappointing lows of conflict, withdrawal, or intense emotional exchanges, and then seeks the loving, reassuring relief of reconnection or making amends.
Reason 3: You’re scared of being alone & ignore the red flag
Another reason why many of us find ourselves dating partners with red flags, is because we’re prioritising the connection, and company. When we fear abandonment within our relationships and are understandably scared of being alone, we can intensely pursue matches, searching for that feeling of love and security in another.
Ironically, when we fear abandonment, we often find ourselves drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, and abandoning. These partners may save us from our loneliness, but don’t actually offer true emotional connection, presence, and security.
So, here’s how you can break the cycle, stop attracting red flag partners, and transform your dating life. You can let a healthy love in.
Solution 1: Reflect on your patterns & history of red flags
Take the time to reflect on your dating history and patterns. Consider the times in the past when you have noticed red flags early on, ignored them, and proceeded anyway. This tells you that you can in fact pick them up. The answer lies in listening to these feelings and cues early on and acting differently.
If you would like support to detect these red flags early on in dating, I have created a journal for this purpose. I used these exact steeps myself when finding a healthy love in dating.
Make sure you check out The Intuitive Dating Journal: The Ultimate Dating Companion For Empathic Women here. It will show you the exact steps to take and prompts to answer to detect and avoid red flags in dating.
Solution 2: Remember that love isn’t about the spark
Love is built on a solid foundation of communication and connection. Chemistry will not last, and nor does it predict the longevity and health of a relationship. If you have been seeking the spark in another, begin to question why, and be sure to look back into your past for clues. Love isn’t a rollercoaster, a thrill ride or a chase. Sure, there will be bumps, but a healthy love is shaped from repairing ruptures over and over again, leading to more calm.
If you find yourself searching for the spark and an exhilarating love in another, it often points to the need for deeper healing work. You must learn to love yourself first, and know how a healthy, stable, secure love feels. I
teach these powerful healing skills in my upcoming women’s group, The Complete Toolkit For Love, which re-launches in August 2024. Get all the details, and sign up for the VIP list here (which includes a very special bonus offer).
Solution 3: Heal your fear of abandonment
Being alone can feel scary, but it doesn’t have to be with the right tools. Healing your fear of abandonment involves knowing that you are not alone because you are the ever-present source of nurturing, validation, caring and connection to yourself. Much like a loving, compassionate parent cares for a child with emotional warmth and attunement, you offer care back to yourself.
When we fully trust in ourselves to be that source of connection for ourselves in vulnerable moments, we no longer cling to relationships that don’t serve us. We stop seeking relationships that only reinforce feelings of being alone.
I cover this healing skill in my upcoming women’s group, The Complete Toolkit For Love, which will show you how to deeply understand your relational wounds and patterns, detect red flags in dating, and heal fear of abandonment.
If you’re ready to finally have a healthy love in your life, The Complete Toolkit For Love is for you. It launches August, and you can get on the VIP list here.
Comments