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By Phoebe Rogers, Clinical Psychologist, Couples Therapist, and Women's Dating & Relationship Coach
From dating insecurity to confidence and finding a partner who makes you feel seen, noticed, and secure.
How do the women I work with want to feel in dating? Often they use words like noticed, appreciated, valued, seen, understood, and then of course… chosen. We want someone to see who we are, to see our worth, and to choose us. However, their dating reality is often one of disappointment, frustration, and anxiety. As a woman, I suspect this is a reality you can relate to.
It starts with the courage to create a dating profile, followed by anxiety about impending disappointment, constant swiping and wondering where the quality matches are. I heard a snippet from the Mamamia podcast Mid this week that explained “grown-up dating is a bit like the middle aisle at Aldi - full of surprises, a few hidden gems and a whole lot of sh*t you don't need”. (You can listen to that episode here).
I related to that statement a lot regarding dating in my late twenties and mid thirties when I went through plenty of dating rejections, insecurity, and self-doubt, which rattled my nervous system and sent my anxious attachment into overdrive.
Dating in my late thirties was different. The last time I dated (about two and a half years ago), which was when I met my current partner, I was taken by the gems; Truly warm, kind and decent men who were equally looking for love. I’ve reflected a lot and here’s why I think I met gems:
It wasn’t about me, but rather about my mindset at the time. This mindset supported me to be more drawn to emotionally available, secure, humble, and kind men.
How did this mindset happen?
Months before dating I had left a pretty stressful and disastrous relationship (in fact, I called off a wedding, which you can read about here). I was done with self-sacrificing, an emotionally unavailable partner, and knew there had to be more. Most of all, I knew I needed and deserved better. I wanted a partner who made me feel safe, secure, seen, and loved.
Here’s what I learnt from dating in my late thirties to find love. I hope these lessons offer you renewed enthusiasm and optimism about finding love and a partner who makes you feel seen and secure.
Simple Ways to Feel Seen and Secure in Your Dating Life
1. Elevate your needs: After a history of self-sacrifice and giving, I was ready to truly receive the love that I longed for. I made a commitment to myself to never go back to my previous patterns and partner types. Receiving love means less doing, fixing, planning, and driving a relationship forward, but expecting reciprocity.
2. Date often and authentically: I went on a lot of dates during my last dating phase. I used Elite Singles, E-Harmony, and then Hinge, where I met my partner. I very clearly expressed what I was looking for and I created a profile that expressed me fully, including my values, life direction, and best qualities.
3. Listen to how you feel before, during and after dates: It is normal that our nervous system is triggered in dating, when there are fears of disappointment and rejection. However, my nervous system was more settled and calm in the presence of kind, attentive and emotionally available dates. How you feel with someone really matters. So please listen.
Based on my own dating success from discovering what works in choosing a partner who makes you feel seen and valued, I created The Intuitive Dating Journal: The Ultimate Dating Companion For Empathic Women. I designed it for women who are dating to find love and want support with navigating dating apps with confidence, avoiding red flags, and learning to trust their intuition to find a healthy, aligned partner.
4. Keep an open heart: When the stakes feel high, and there’s a history of relationship hurt, it can be so hard to show up, express your feelings, longings, and needs, and begin sharing parts of yourself. However, my professional and personal experience tells me that this is the only way to build a secure connection over time.
5. Get support: If you’re a woman who is dating and seeking a partner who makes you feel seen and secure, and are ready to open your heart to love, then my new free training, The Seen and Secure Dater, is for you.
I’ll take you through:
· Why dating to find love is so hard (it’s not your fault)
· Common fears, struggles, and blocks in dating
· Simple shifts you can make to overcome these struggles
· Accessing the power of your imagination to guide you towards a healthy love
· How to find matches and choose a partner who makes you feel seen, secure, and valued.
Subscribe to my email list here to access the free training, which will be delivered straight to your inbox. The free training will be available from June 2024.
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