.png)
By Phoebe Rogers, Clinical Psychologist specialising in Dating & Relationships
That sinking feeling in your gut as more time passes since your last date or text exchange. Hurt, and maybe anger wells up inside. You start to doubt yourself or overanalyse every detail of your last interaction.
If you’ve ever been ghosted in dating my heart goes out to you. It is one of the most painful experiences in dating. Fortunately, there are some (personally) tried & tested ways to navigate ghosting, including catching the signs early and doing the self-work to bounce back stronger.
I’m Phoebe, a Clinical Psychologist specialising in dating and relationships. And I too know the pain of being ghosted. There’s nothing more I love than helping women find their lifelong love, applying the wisdom of my own love lessons to your dating dilemmas.
After the hurt of my past relationship, I was very deliberate and intentional about dating again, and this paid off. I met my partner back in 2022 on a dating app.
During my dating app days, I certainly learnt a thing or two about ghosting. Let me share with you my biggest lessons, including how to bounce back from ghosting and continue to date to find your lifelong love.
Can Ghosting Be Avoided When Dating?
The honest truth is that you can’t always avoid being ghosted. How other people decide to treat you is out of your control. This is what you can do:
learn to look out for early signs of inconsistent communication, hot and cold vibes, low level effort, feeling uncertain about their interest, and any other red flags that point to unreliability. By noting these from the start and learning to listen to your gut, you’ll be able to feel a bit more prepared if and when your new love interest pulls away
the best you can do is show up openly, honestly, and authentically in dating, to give yourself the best chance of building a real connection with someone. The idea is that building this type of bond facilitates respect
Please do remember that someone ghosting you is not related to your worth; it IS absolutely related to their relationship readiness, emotional maturity and depth, and comfort with intimacy.
Signs You Might Be About to Get Ghosted in Dating
As mentioned above, the most common sign to look out for is inconsistency. This is a big red flag in my books, and will have you feeling anxious, uneasy, and unsettled. If these internal alarm bells are going off, be curious about them, rather than dismissing of denying them. Too many of us bypass these red flags or question if we’re being overly sensitive- so listen to your body.
If you want further support to learn to identify red flags early on in dating and listen to the wisdom of your body’s feedback so that you can bypass pain and find an emotionally available connection, please check out my Intuitive Dating Journal, which was created to help you find a healthy partner in dating.
Here’s how to cope when ghosting does happen to you.
When It Happens: How to Move Forward After Ghosting
Sometimes despite your very best efforts to observe your date’s behaviour, you can still get caught out. This can happen within weeks or months of knowing each other. It can happen when things seem to be going really well; in fact, when things are going well is often a common time to be ghosted. Often a fear of intimacy and closeness can prompt the ghosting behaviour.
Please be reassured this is not a fault of yours, but a common dating occurrence. I have been caught off guard myself here.
Here are my top tips for managing emotions and not taking ghosting personally:
take time to feel your feelings; please acknowledge the range of emotions from grief, sadness, anger, and disappointment, and validate them as they arise
be kind and self-compassionate; you may remind yourself “this really hurts; please know that you are so worthy of love that is consistent, clear, and reciprocal”
instead of blaming yourself, think about what this behaviour means about the person that ghosted you; such as, they’re scared of commitment, they’re unassertive, they’re avoidantly attached, or a poor communicator
if you’re able, reassure yourself that whilst it is painful, it is best to be left rather than stay in relationship with someone with mixed feelings
connect with others who have been ghosted in dating to normalise your experience
Healing After the Hurt: How to Bounce Back in Dating
It can take some time to recover from ghosting, even if you know the person who ghosted you isn’t right for you. Being ghosted can impact your confidence, trust in others, and hope in finding love. So take your time.
Some questions you may want to ask yourself to see if you feel able to return to dating are:
Do I feel hopeful about dating, people, and finding love?
Am I a little worried versus fearful?
Have I learnt from the experience, and feel able to identify some signs of ghosting?
Do I have a good support system in place?
Am I prepared to be open and vulnerable, and balance this with being observant and paced with dating?
The size of the emotions will be your guide, as well as your current sense of hope and resilience.
To rebuild your confidence and self-worth after being ghosted, consider:
Are you able to be objective about the ghosting, rather than self-blaming and shaming?
Can you identify traits, values, and qualities that make you a good person
Think of those in your life who love and accept you as you are; you’re looking for that acceptance and care from a partner
Bouncing Back: Getting Back Into the Dating Game
If you’ve reflected on the above questions, and are feeling stronger, then it’s time to date. If finding your lifelong love matters to you, you must take action. Here's all you need to know about bouncing back.
Know that it’s normal to have some fear, but do reach out for support if it feels overwhelming. Here are some mindsets that will help with having restored energy and hope.
Feel empowered that you are taking action and moving towards having love in your life
Know that there are plenty of wonderful singles out there, also looking for love
Feel proud that you have come out the other side of a tough experience, knowing more about your worth, resilience, and relationship needs and desires
Remember your unique qualities, knowing that they’re exactly what someone is looking for
For other tips on managing rejection and restoring confidence, you can check out my conversation with Shannen Findlay from Mamamia in this article, Instead of ghosting, my date did something I truly wasn’t expecting.
I hope my story is one of hope. I met my partner via online dating on Hinge in 2022, and we are so happy. All the highs and lows of dating, even the ghosting, were worth it to find love.
I wish you the same. If you’re looking for support on your dating journey, I would absolutely love to hear from you. You can book a complimentary chat with me here.
Comments