Starting Over After Heartbreak: A Guide To Finding Love At Any Stage

This article is based on a piece that was published on Medium. You can read the full article here: https://medium.com/@stylemysoul/starting-over-after-heartbreak-a-guide-to-finding-love-at-any-stage-4b6ed795b835

Here I provide insight into my Women's Healthy Relationship Group; you can find details about the next group launch here: https://www.therelationshipspace.com.au/womens-group

I’m Phoebe! A Clinical Psychologist who has been practicing since 2011. I’m also a Couples Therapist, and a Dating & Relationship Coach. I’m most passionate about helping women find love, particularly after a loss of relationship, and repeated patterns of unhealthy relationship choices. I am all about empowering women to find healthy, happy, stable, and securely functioning relationships. I want my clients to find love, because I think they deserve it! And I believe it's possible. I made it my mission to develop a program that helps women heal as quickly as possible, and to help them build more confidence and self-love, so that they can find love (or strengthen their current relationship).

Is it possible to heal from heartbreak and then find a healthy, happy relationship, all in seven weeks? My clinical experience and wisdom tells me yes! I have just created a therapeutic group for women based upon my own relationship journey and the therapy and coaching I sought that led me to finding my partner and create the first happy and secure relationship I have ever had. I am currently in the middle of running my first group, and I can see the women in it blossoming, growing and healing by the week. So, how has that happened?

Within the group, we first identify the patterns that developed early in life that still block us maintaining a healthy love, and then work on healing this. The key basis of this work is healing your inner child, all with the support of other like-minded women. The group is based on Schema Therapy, which you can read more about here:

https://www.schemainstitute.co.uk/understanding-schema-therapy/

In just seven weeks, we work on:

1. Knowing Your Relationship Patterns: Humans tend to have relationship patterns, and Schema Therapy is a wonderful tool to figure out your patterns. Do you have a fear of abandonment, self-sacrifice in relationships, or struggle to trust others? Perhaps you find emotions uncomfortable or don’t believe that you’re worthy of receiving love. Have you attracted relationships into your life that maintain these fears and beliefs, and stop you receiving love? We unpack these themes and more in a safe, supportive setting.

2. Knowing Your Attachment Style: Our Attachment Style refers to how we bond and regulate our emotions in relationships, and our expectation of our caregiver (in childhood) or partner (in adulthood) to be truly there for us. If you are anxiously attached, you may fear loss of connection and become hypervigilant to signs of disconnection. If you are more avoidantly attached, you may withdraw in conflict in order to self-protect. Learning to soothe your attachment system is a powerful skill we cover.

3. Understanding Relationship Red Flags: A new relationship should have a slow and steady pace, rather than intensity. It should respect your boundaries, and listen to your feelings. Red Flags range, but include, someone who talks only of themselves, lacks self-awareness, is overly superficial and sexually focused, and is moody, negative or irritable. We unpack this within the group, so you understand your relationship choices.

4. Understanding Emotional Maturity: I often recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson to my clients. Emotional maturity is when a person can regulate their emotions, practice good self-care, is reflective and empathic.

5. Learn To Connect With Your Inner Child and Meet Their Needs: When we are triggered by a situation and feel strong emotions, it often is hitting on an earlier wound from childhood. Many of us have wounds around rejection, shame, neglect, exclusion, or being abandoned. Many therapists believe when those wounds are triggered we connect with our younger self, our inner child. Learning to understand those triggers and soothe the sadness or fear that arises can help you show up with more calm in your relationships. When you are triggered imagine talking to your younger self, and reminding them that they are loved, safe, good enough, and worthy of empathy and care. Engaging in this practice with your inner child helps you understand how a healthy and loving relationship feels.

6. Identifying Your Relational Gifts: We work on identifying of all the wonderful qualities you have that make you a loving person and partner.

7. Clarifying Your Relationship Values: Consider what you really value within a romantic relationship. Honesty, authenticity, playfulness, and open communication are examples. It can be very helpful to clarify these and ask about them early on to assess compatibility.

8. Consider Dating and Meeting Like-Minded Others: If you long for a partner, it is important to consider an action plan about how to meet others looking for connection. This can include online dating, and engaging in hobbies and social events. Do be clear with your relationship hopes and expectations to avoid hurt, and show who you truly are. This will give you the best chance of finding someone who truly accepts and appreciates you as you are.

9. Self-Care Practices: Having established practices to take care of yourself and meet your needs is a form of self-love. Self-love and knowing your worth supports you in managing any disappointments along the way, and prioritising your needs.

10. Befriend Your Inner Child: Understanding your childhood wounds and how they are triggered by your partner is critical to the health of your adult romantic relationship. Group members learn together how to connect to, talk to, validate and soothe their inner child. This is where the magic happens. Here's a great summary of inner child work: https://positivepsychology.com/inner-child-healing/#:~:text=Becoming%20more%20aware%20of%20the,now%20(Raypole%2C%202021).

I would love to work with you to support you in healing your inner child. This is the work I did that I believe guided me to finding the most beautiful partner who helps me feel safe and loved everyday. I'd love to hear from you, so reach out via the website or email me: progers@therapist.net.au and let's chat.