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By Phoebe Rogers, Clinical Psychologist specialising in Dating & Relationships
Why Dating is So Hard
Words that come to mind that describe dating; hopeless, frustrating, exhausting, pointless. Dating can be hard work, and often leaves you questioning yourself. The more dating disappointments you have, the more you question if your lack of success is because there’s something wrong with you. I reassure you, there’s not something wrong with you, however, there’s something wrong with how many of us date.
Because of our own early life wounds, including childhood experiences and early templates of relationships, we can be attracted to what is familiar, rather than what is actually good for us. If we grew up with a lack of emotional warmth, we can unconsciously be drawn to that. Or if we grew up with our emotional needs being shut down, we stop asking for what we want or expressing how we feel. Emotional inconsistency and a lack of security was the norm.
So, inconsistency can feel familiar. And in dating, inconsistency keeps you in a constant state of confusion, wondering where you stand. When you're stuck in this cycle, it’s easy to miss the red flags that are right in front of you. For many of us, inconsistency has been our norm and so it doesn’t always stand out when in the early stages of love.
So, allow me, to spell out for you exactly what red flags are and how to spot them early on in dating.
What Are Red Flags in Dating?
Red flags are the behaviours that signal someone may not be emotionally available or ready for a healthy relationship. They can be subtle at first, but once you know what to look for, you’ll start to see patterns that indicate when someone isn’t right for you.
What I have noticed in my work as a Clinical Psychologist specialising in dating and relationships, as well as in my own dating life, is that an activated nervous system and overwhelming anxiety will suggest red flags are present within the person you are dating.
The Biggest Red Flag: Inconsistency
If you’re constantly questioning whether you’re seeing a red flag, please understand this:
Inconsistency is one of the most telling signs that someone isn’t ready or capable of building a stable relationship.
One moment, they’re all in—calling, texting, making plans. The next? Radio silence. This rollercoaster of emotions leaves you anxious and unsure, which is a huge red flag that we need to take note of immediately. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule- however, here’s how to know if you’re dealing with a reasonable person and behaviour or a red flag person and behaviour. If you raise your concerns and share your feelings, in a healthy dynamic with a healthy partner, your feelings will be addressed, taken seriously, and consideration and empathy will be shown.
In a red flag relationship, the red flags will continue, and you’ll likely be met with your feelings being dismissed or minimised, or defensiveness.
So, here are some clear, concrete examples of red flags and inconsistencies to be aware of in dating.
Examples of Inconsistency in Dating: the Biggest Red Flag
Inconsistency is the biggest red flag in dating, so here are my top signs to watch out for:
Actions vs. Words: One day they’re pouring in effort—making you feel like you’re their priority. The next, they’re pulling away, leaving you confused about what went wrong. Look out for your own activated nervous system here, and be sure to listen to it.
Hot and Cold Behaviour: One moment they’re emotionally open and affectionate; the next, they’re distant and avoidant. You’re left questioning their interest, filled with self-doubt and anxiety. Stability, and consistency are what you truly need from a partner to cultivate a lifelong, loving partnership.
Mood Swings: They go from being happy and pleasant to irritable and angry. You find yourself walking on eggshells, unsure of when they’ll shift moods again. This inconsistency in mood points to emotional unsafety, and something you don’t deserve. Be sure to seek help if you’re concerned about this behaviour in someone you’re dating; sure, we all have bad days and trying times, but lashing out at another, being mean, and critical is not acceptable.
All In, Then Not Ready: They love-bomb you with attention and promises, but then suddenly, they’re indifferent. It’s exhausting, and it’s a sign they’re emotionally unavailable. With love-bombing, they have not gotten to discover the real you and instead are projecting a relationship fantasy on to you, which is soon doomed to crack.
Future Planning to Avoidance: One minute, you’re planning a future together. The next, they pull back, avoiding any serious conversations without explanation. Avoidance can be worked through, but only with an effort from the avoiding person to communicate and clearly express their needs. A lack of openness, accountability, and warmth often only leads to pain. As the relationship progresses and there is a greater need for intimacy on your part, a partner’s avoidance mode can kick in. Be sure to seek help if you’re struggling to navigate this dynamic.
Ghosting to a Sudden Comeback: They disappear for days or weeks, then return with declarations of regret. Be cautious—real change takes time, and quick shifts may just be temporary. I experienced this when I was dating, and I feel so grateful that I caught the signs this time, rather than allowing the person who had hurt me back in. It was up to me to choose a partner who was going to offer reliability, predictability, and security and make me feel prioritised.
Inconsistent Stories and No Accountability: Their stories change, and they often blame their exes with no shades of grey. They never seem to take responsibility for past relationship issues, a sign they could repeat the same harmful patterns. The truth is, we all have a part in the demise of relationships; someone who fails to see their part in things is a red flag. Insight and self-reflection are the necessary ingredients for a healthy, loving relationship. There’s nothing better than a partner who can admit where they went wrong and make a repair attempt.
So, now that you’ve got a list of red flags to look out for, here’s how you spot these red flags early on. It’s about making a commitment to yourself to self-reflect, and be informed by your head, not just your heart.
How To Spot These Red Flags Early On
To avoid wasting time on relationships that won’t lead to secure, lasting love, it’s essential to spot these red flags early.
Here’s how you can do it:
Pay Attention to Their Actions: Be sure to observe their behaviour, and ask yourself:
Do their words align with what they do? If they say one thing but consistently do another, that’s a sign of inconsistency.
Watch for Patterns, Be Wary of Excuses: Everyone can have an off day, but if their hot and cold behaviour is a recurring pattern, it’s time to reevaluate. Ask yourself:
How often do I feel I’m on a rollercoaster of being close and then distant?
Trust Your Gut: If you constantly feel anxious, confused, or like you’re walking on eggshells, your instincts are probably picking up on their inconsistency. Ask yourself:
Am I listening to my feelings, or trying too hard to make something work?
Take It Slow: If someone is showing signs of inconsistency, don’t rush into emotional commitment. Give it time to see if their actions change or if the pattern continues. Ask yourself:
Do I feel safe with this person? Are they a reliable and consistent presence for me?
A lot of us prioritise the feeling of love, but let me tell you, love is not enough. Ask yourself if a love where you feel constantly anxious is something you really want for yourself.
Finding Love That’s Consistent and Secure
The key to building a lasting and loving relationship with a partner? It’s consistency. Very early on, I knew that my partner was someone that I could reach out to in a time of need, and he’d happily be there for me. I didn’t have to hold back or second-guess reaching out to him.
When someone is truly available, they show up willingly—emotionally, mentally, and physically. They don’t leave you questioning their feelings or intentions. And if there’s ever conflict or tension, they’re prepared to talk it through because both you and the relationship matter to them.
Want more tips on avoiding red flags and finding a secure, lifelong love?
Make sure you check out The Intuitive Dating Journal, which contains my blueprint process for weeding out red flags date and finding a partner that is kind, warm, and above all consistent.
Happy Dating! xx
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